4/1/2017

So I have a job now at Yankee Stadium, and it's a really nice gig! I met my bosses today in an informal interview, the Steelbunners or something like that. They were all like, "What do you have on Brian?" and "Why is this happening?" and "How can we get you to step down?"

But ol' Bungo is too smart for them! I kept saying, "Fifth!" They said that doesn't work in an interview, but they don't know their history like Bungo here does.

So I'm actually running the team! Brian pulled me aside this morning and said something like, "Look, we have a good thing going here. We could be winners for a long, long time. There are a lot of people out there that want to see us lose. You don't want to lose, right?" I agreed! I don't like losing anything, like the time I lost my pinkie toe in the salad bar at China Buffet.

He says to me, "So, try not to change too much, OK?" Now, I don't know about you, but I get mad when someone tells me I can't do something! It sounds like censorship! No one censors Bungo!

I had to set an example, and I knew just what to do. A quick story: When I first arrived in New York City many years ago, clinging to life on the back of a garbage barge, an old man named Larry nursed me back to health. His methods were unconventional, like boiled rat poultices to my nipples, and massaging my nipples, and a lot of stuff with my nipples. But I survived! And I made it to where I am today because of people like Larry.

So I fired the Yankees manager, Joe Jaboyardee or whatever the fuck, and replaced him with Larry. Now, Larry is a little unusual. He's 91 years old now, and I had to go to some lengths to track him down. I finally found him doing an outsider art exhibit. His medium is feces on unsuspecting passersby.

But he's smart! He's probably the smartest guy I know. Once I saw him outwit a cop who was picking him up for loitering! Well, not so much "outwit" as "piss all over" and not so much "a cop" as "a raccoon" and not so much "picking him up" as "competing for the same burger wrapper" and not so much "loitering" as "supper." But the point still stands!

This will be our year. Go Yankees!

3/31/2017

The name's Bungo McGarnagle. People come up to me all the time and ask, "Bungo, how did you get that name?" I say to them, "I got it because my parents named me." Then they say to me, "Bungo, why are you drunk in the alley behind Safeway again?" I say, "Bleeearrgh," and then throw up on their shoes.

You're probably asking yourself how I got to by GM of the New Fucking York Fucking Yankees Fucking. That's a good question too. It comes down to connections and who you know. For example, one time I was sleeping on a bench in Central Park and who do I see but Brian Cashman.

Brian Cashman, if you don't know, was the GM of the Yankees.

Now, Brian is a nice guy. So I when I see him put on a rabbit costume and go rustling around in the bushes with three or four people dressed like characters from Sonic the Hedgehog, I take notice. I also take video.

He leaves and goes back to work, and so I send him an email. I include a few stills of the video and tell him, "Hey, I would like to do your job or I'll release the video." Cupla phone calls later and bingo bango Bungo! I'm GM of the Yankees and Brian Cashman is my assistant!

Now, Brian is like, "Hey, I'll do the transactions and you can get all the money," but I'm like, "No way Juan!" I'll do the transactions, otherwise what's the point? He whimpered a little bit, but then I said, "Let's not split HARES." He looked at me funny and I had to explain that I was talking about rabbits. I guess it didn't translate well to speech.

So Bungo's got a job now! Suck it, guy on Fifth Avenue who said I'd never amount to anything just because I was taking a shit on the curb!